Stage Fright

I’ve not really known fear, not since that winter in grade nine when we went to Dyer’s Memorial late at night but that’s a different story, I have certainly never felt so much as anxiety when it came to singing. I just sing, I sing all the time, and I don’t really care who hears me or what they think, I just do it, it’s fun. But today, today was different, and I’m having a hard time getting over it, but before today there was yesterday, and yesterday the weather was spectacular, it was one of those nights it would be a shame to let go to waste, so Tyler, Matt and I went long boarding fairly late into the night, and while we were out we stopped by Starbucks and took some time to slow down. Inside was full so we sat outside and at one point in the night I started to sing “Wagon Wheel” by Old Crow Medicine Show and Tyler who plays the guitar suggested that we go out for a talent show who’s auditions where being held today, he was half sarcastic but we decided to actually go for it, and that’s where I got my stage fright for the first time. Singings never been an issue, I used to be awful, and I know that I’ve improved, but I’ve never thought of myself as great or even particularly good, but I was less awful. Today I got nervous and was awful, I could not hit a damn note for the whole first verse and it wasn’t till part way though the chorus I started to do ok, but I have no Idea what really happened or how good or bad it was. As soon it was over I sounded good again, or as good as I ever had, but man those nerves killed me, and I’m not really sure why, it’s not like it was any more public then I normally sing, I was actually less. I think that when I sing normally it doesn’t matter what people think, I’m singing but I’m not saying anything about myself, it is only for fun, but since I was trying out it’s like me saying, “I think I’m good, I am worth listening to” and I don’t want to be wrong or seen as conceited. We signed up for fun; we threw ourselves at the mercy of the judges because we didn’t care, if they wanted us cool, if not it’s just as well, we would just as happily spend the night with french-fries and our long boards. But I can’t get over the Image that put out of me, and that I couldn’t give my best, that it just wasn’t happening.

* * *

It’s now been several days… I think a week, no it must have been two, but we did make it, to our somewhat surprise we have made it. It is still weird though, I thought I sprung back to normal as far as singing goes right after, but that’s not quite true, I think I’ve mellowed out and can sing again, at least as well as I ever could, but there were a lot of hiccups on the way, To include a terrible video taken of our cover of Soul Sister by a bon fire where I was in the wrong key the whole damn time, but even being back (I think) it’s weird to look back on. I don’t think I’m particularly good, not to say I think I am bad, I just simply don’t know, but we are going to try and make a project of music these next few months, just have fun, I mean that’s much of what music is about. We have a big Youtube project we are working on, and we plan on singing out in the streets for spare change over the summer, and hopefully hit a few open mic nights, that will teach us quickly, or at least me where we stand. Hopefully it will be a good few extra bucks, help me pay for coffee and Tyler for his fast food habit.  I guess we will just see where it takes us, as long as we are having a good time.

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I’ve Lost My Heart

I can’t find my heart, no girl has taken it, it’s not been crush, it’s just lost. I pick up a guitar five or so months for the first time and hardly put it down since, and lately when I have a monotonous work or even just an overwhelming about to do I tend to do it till I’m mad then I’ll pick up my six string, I know maybe ten rhythms and songs (three of which are four chord songs and hardly count), and I play it, maybe two or three songs, and then I reluctantly set it down and go back to work. This got me though my final projects last semester, but this weekend I’ve been doing co-op paper work so I can get high school credits for working on this independent film, and I finish a section in the book and pick up my guitar, and I keep losing track, slipping up, just stupid stuff, and then I find my hearts not in it, this isn’t the first time I haven’t had my heart in my guitar (though it’s not common) but usually it’s because there is something my mind, or maybe I’m hungry or something. But today I have no reason to not have my heart in my music, but it’s not there, high school is draining it out of me. So I put on ‘Back to the Five’ by Ruth (see link below) and decided to talk about this.

it’s just lifeless there, at school, producing perfectly average people, boring people, you can say a lot of negative things about me but boring is not one of them, and now that I am cramming three weeks’ worth of work into one (one for the week it took to rearrange my schedule, one for my vacation, and one for the week in between) and it’s too much, too much ordinary, dull, monotony, and on the whole terrible information. I don’t want to speak poorly of all the people working at my school, but the system itself is broken… at least it feels that way. I’m not an exceptional student, I’m in the “needs to apply themself” category, but applying myself would only drive me mad, because I’m not in search of a conventional North American life and to take away from what I work on, learn, do outside of school to do all the work they expect of me (and require to pass well) is not something I’m willing to do. Though I’m not neglecting my future in doing this, I’m in my field of study, learning, expanding, growing, and enjoying myself. And there is a future from here, real work, I’m not pleading to enter Halo tournaments for a living, production tech and multimedia is a huge field, and if I can’t make it into studio work there is an even bigger world of live production.

It’s not that I can’t do school, I feel I can express myself clearly though English, though I don’t notice all my written mistakes, and I’ve entered several math competition s and scored consistently 3rd in my school despite passing with a mid-70’s mark in class. I’m not intellectually lacking, this public school thing just isn’t my thing. I miss my heart, I want to be able to put it into things so I can enjoy them, but I suppose I need to power though this paper work so I can get it on the other side, my heart has been invested in this movie project, so when I get to do that in two weeks I hope to see it again, this will also be after hanging out in Mexico, not only enjoying beautiful beaches and water, but getting to see the ruins (I failed to mention I love history too) and such as well. I hope I can find someone who will let me use their guitar there, I don’t want to get rusty, but at any rate it will be a good time. I think soon I will find my heart again, but it sucks being without it now.


Note that I wrote this on the weekend, it took me a few days with the heavy work load to edit it

Link to “Back to the Five”:

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Trying My Hand at the Quill

So, the picture currently at the top of my this site is my quill but incase that changes this is what it looks like.


This is my quill

with it I have been trying to write well, the first thing I did was something of an alchemy index.

Rough but a start

Rough but a start

Here I put different symbols for each element20130205_214849

I tried the pentagram representing all 4 physical elements with spirit at the top, but I messed up on where earth and air go


I do love the “E”

I then worked on what I want my capital letters to look like on these two sheets, A huge mess but a start 20130205_21481220130205_214805

After getting an idea I played around with the letters after writing down the lyric that was playing in my mind (the “shouldn’t change feel right” bit, I’m telling you it consumed me)20130205_214737

After that I kept adding with lyrics close to my heart20130205_214653

including one song ( that had alternatively been playing in my mind by Poppy (

I stumble yet still I solder on, it doesn't have to mean that I'm wrong

I stumble yet still I solder on, it doesn’t have to mean that I’m wrong

I also screwed up on the letter “D” on the quote that draws the most attention

The curse of perfect days

The curse of perfect days

This quote thing I did myself going though my iTunes is a precursor to a project I want to do once my writing style is better established and that is to sit around coffee shops and such in town and ask people what quotes have meant a lot to them in life, or that was big at the moment, or just stuck in their head, and set up the page in a similar way, I think it will be cool to have so many thoughts on one page.

That is most of what I have done with that since getting it, other than a few “the quick fox” documents. It only gets better from here I suppose.

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My Top 5 Albums

So I’m starting to write this at 02h10 and I have school in the morning, the start of a new semester actually, but my body is like “no you’re not sleeping” so I’m listening to Proverbs and am thinking “hey let’s talk music”. Tonight I am going to tell you about my 5 favourite albums, these are not necessarily my top artist, or albums with my top songs, I’m taking the album as a whole. So here they are…

Number 1:

wavorlyConquering the Fear of Flight by Wavorly, I highly suggest listening to this album pretty much no matter what your taste in music is, and when you do make sure it is though a good sound system or proper over-the-head headphones, not just ear buds and be sure you have time to listen to it all the way though. This is my favourite thing to listen to on a long car ride home at night. Now why is it number one? Well, first of it is a masterpiece of music in its true sense of the word ‘masterpiece’, an example of a full range of rock from hard rock to sweet ballads, covering classical pieces and integrating that beautifully into their music, from start to end progressing up and down from high energy to mellow smoothly ending on a beautiful and simple song “Praise and Adore” to wrap it all up leaving you (or maybe just me) feeling at ease and content. Unfortunately Wavorly then proceeded to release a sub-par EP and then realized music was no longer a career option for them and stepped out of the music scene leaving a B-sides album that I have not gotten a chance to listen to yet. But none the less this is definitely the most beautiful album I know start to finish.

Number 2:

emery-we_do_what_we_wantWe Do What We Want by Emery, even though it was released in early spring (basically winter still) it always reminds me of summer, but that’s probably just me. Now if you are the type of person who is prone to complain about music because there is screaming you probably won’t enjoy this album, but your anti-hardcore feelings do not discredit the beauty of this album. This was Emery’s heaviest album so far (also their newest to date) and as a whole the best I’d say. First off the vocals are fantastic, and the effects they use, and the layering they do just adds to it, another thing to admire is their use of the double kick without it just being the noise it often ends up being. But this is about the album as a whole, which really tells a story, it does tend more towards the start with high energy end low energy type of things, but the power and inspiration works so well that way and would be lost if they ordered it otherwise. Lyrically it’s phenomenal, it’s angry and aggressive, it’s remorseful and sad, and it’s confused. It end up broken, but finishes beautiful and humble, another album that just makes you just feel right by the end, it goes thought much of the harder things in life to deal with, but ends right where it need to end up. And it does so perfectly.

Number 3:

blood and waterIn Character by Blood and Water, this is a highly ska influenced album (so much so that it was including in ‘s ‘Ska Lives’ album) that is upbeat and a great summer album. But why third on the list? Well, again how it flows plays a bit part, the way that it is set up, not just songs randomly ordered, or ordered roughly from high to low energy, rather it very naturally goes from varying degrees of high to low energy while still maintaining a certain quality that reminds me of summer. However my favourite part is the sense of completion I feel when the last song (quoted in my post “Shouldn’t Change Feel Right?”) ties right back into the first one making the whole album feel like one. From start to finish this is a great album that has now been interwoven into my summer memories.

Number 4:

The+HeatThe Heat by Needtobreathe, this is the second of 4 albums so far by this band, and the one that really set the stage and direction for the next two. I love their other albums, but The Heat has kept a special place in my heart. It starts out with a simple little almost 40 second song, and then sets the tone for the rest of the record with Restless, and keeps a pretty consistent feel though the whole album (until the last song) without monotony or getting old. It has a very southern feel without being southern rock or country, it borrows a lot of their elements, but remains unique from both of them. It doesn’t get boring, it doesn’t get old, and it lead the way for their albums to follow, and it just fits together as one so well with a proper ending that is followed by a song that brings everything nicely to a close. There is really little else to say about it, just such high quality in every song.

Number 5:

relient-k-forget-and-not-slow-downForget and Not Slow Down by Relient K, what a way to turn heartache into beauty, free from any bad breakup songs. I mean the guy has his fiancée dump him and goes to write “I don’t need a soul, without you I’m still whole, you and life remain beautiful”, He channeled his feelings well. This album is very different from their regular borderline pop/punk feel, it is slightly darker and on the whole more serious. The album extends the endings of some songs and uses it to make the whole thing fit together very nicely, it all works so well regardless of how different a lot of the stuff is from each other and ends very well transitioning into a low-key ending in a rather singular way. It is very unique without being weird and is truly a gorgeous album.

Indecently all of these albums have a heavy Christian influence, this is not because I only listen to Christian music, a majority isn’t, many of my favourite songs aren’t, neither are the the bands I listen to most. However when it comes to a beautifully crafted album from beginning to end, I know nothing better than these 5. This list is prone to change, I’ll probably make a revised list in a year or two as I get exposed and immersed in more music. But here is my standing for now.

What do you feel should be on this list that I haven’t included?

Ps. I am now finnished at aproxamatly 04h20 with my new semster in 4 hours

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“It’s Like in the Great Stories”

It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”

Quite the quote to start of this entry, this from Tolken’s  “Two Towers” and is one of my favorite quotes, Lately I’ve become a sucker for stories, fact or fiction I want to be engaged, and emotionally invested in the outcome, I want to hear stories. I’ve become of the opinion that the stories I learned as a kid where not dark enough, none of them really stuck with me, at least not that I can think of at this moment, you always knew how the story would end and that it would end well, there was no doubt. I do feel that stories should be properly dark, I’m not a fan of horror, but even Lord of the Rights had what Sam described,  overwhelming evil, and such a high price already paid, how could life go back to being ok for the hero’s? I want that in my stories. I’ve been thinking / wanting to go to the local Legion Hall, the place where army vets hang out, and just ask them for stories, I’m not even looking for stories of when they fought, just from life, or even tales they know, I figure that is a good place to start. I want to hear where people get there stories from, the ones that they love, I asked the question on SoulPancake (there will be a link to follow) and want to hear as much as I can. I like what Rich Mullins said in one of his songs “did you tell them stories about the saints of old, stories about our faith, he said “stories like that make a boy grow bold, stories like that make a man walk straight”, the saints in this context are not Roman Catholic saints, but rather any Christian.

Stories, Stories, Stories, they really are fun, come to think of it a few of my favourites are Lord of the Rings, the Princess Bride, and the tales of Sherlock Holmes, I also love the old Bible stories. But I want to know what you think about stories, and where you find them?

I’m certainly not done with the topic of stories, but this is where I want interaction

SoulPancake link:

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Shouldn’t Change Feel Right?

It’s now getting close to a month since I last said anything here, I spent the last two weeks in overdrive catching up on old assignments, working of final projects and doing all 20 hours of my in class drivers training in four days. I think of all of these things to write about but forget to write most of them down.

“Shouldn’t change feel right? Have I made some grave mistake? Well I know these things can come at once and sometimes it’s hard to take”. This quote is from the song “Interstate” by a fantastic band “Blood and Water” and it’s been on my heart all the time lately… my life in general has been going through massive reform lately, not to say that I don’t like who I was, and certainly not that I don’t like who I am and am becoming, it’s just a lot to take in. I suppose during this time of life it’s normal, and looking back at my early childhood I showed interest in early forms of what I my life is becoming, but man the me that started high school would have never guessed this is the me now. Now I study and practice music, I like to write, I work on calligraphy, I’m trying to learn how to sketch and it’s hard, I like nice cloths and I read poetry on purpose and I love a good story more than ever. Two years ago I loved science and math, video games and computers, all of that kind of stuff, and I mean I still understand it but I started to learn I could fill my head with puzzles and distractions forever, but it wouldn’t do much, but with language and art I could start to express what is in my head, and all of those old things are very good things, they just aren’t the same part of me that they were. It was a gradual process and there was a lot of in-between time and it’s only been in the last 6 or so months that it’s really started to push to where I am now, it was a lot of one foot in both camps but lately I’ve been getting out of the old camp quick. It’s not bad but it’s a lot to take. Audio work; running the mix at live events or recording music has been a big part of my life for the last almost 4 years, it’s been mostly on a volunteer base and I pretty much climbed as high as I could where I was, so I went out searching for new places to grow and practice and hopefully make some money. I approached, called, emailed many people with no success when one day I realized I had never brought up my skills/hopes with this work to my friend Becca who had just finished up the first independent movie in her trilogy. I know her because I frequent the Starbucks she works at and one day while I was there I told her about what I did, The timing couldn’t have been much better, she had just done a privet prescreening of her movie which involved a live band and all those types of things and she experience the pain in the butt of all the tech stuff and knowing someone who could do it sounded great. It took about two anxious months to hear any more about it but she sent out (and directly to me) her volunteer postings involving the position of “Music Director” which would have me doing all the live tech stuff and events promoting the film as well as recording for the soundtrack when needing and dealing with all the musicians, I was officially giving this role just over two weeks ago and had a second meeting a few days ago. I was having a hard enough time processing the opportunity, and the responsibility that lay ahead, and how far it was hopefully going to take us this next year, but I am now discussing the possibility of taking a co-op this semester and being the technical director as well, which would mean being on set to help with recording, lighting and composition, as well as work on sound effects and run tech on her school tours and such. This would be a crazy schedule with long days which my family would not appreciate, but I want to do it, I love the opportunity what I this and I have very few friendships left intact, and the ones that are intact are sporadic at best, I’m going to try and work out a system to make this work. But it’s a lot to come at once, and it really is hard to take, it’s fantastic! But it’s a lot. But that’s what’s been going on in my life, I am pretending of course that people actually read this until one day they actually do, here is me hoping this will lead to many memories worth keeping, some good friendships, and a stepping stone for the future.


Ps the movie I’m working on/with is the second part to the All I Need Trilogy, I honestly can’t remember the name of the second book but it’s something about “Goodbye” I’m pretty sure.

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Over the Summer

The editting of this post took me 4 days longer to complete then I thought

So it’s been since July 6th or 7th since I’ve followed up on my first posts and I have learned a bit since then, including that the writing in the first two was poor. I ended up deleting solitar from my computer but that was not till a few weeks in the school year, and though my summer was less than great, I found a few good times.


J Page



Tyler and JPage, they played a big role in my summer, even though in reality the time spent was fairly small, compared to the mostly nothing else it was big. Twice with them I took the opportunity to do something out of the normal, nothing exciting or too big, but different. The first meant going to some camp I didn’t know filled with people who I also didn’t know (but had heard plenty about), in the end it was a day well spent. It started out with a misadventure, being that Tyler and I had the simple task of getting to the nearest terminal to get a bus to where we would be picked up. Every bus on our end of town does like 30 min routs that all end right at the terminal, we left thinking how hard could it be… 01h30 and something like (at least) five missed busses later we were now on our way to the terminal (on a bus!). We get to where JPage is living for the summer and we had some good conversations until our ride got there, it is around this point I find out the guy who was driving didn’t know I was coming along, and though unimpressed I got a ride with him. About 20 bad sing alongs later (to our driver’s dismay) we reached this camp. What happened there wasthere pleasant and stuff and Tyler and I both almost got tipped in a 100 some odd year old wagon while we gota variety of little kids to pull us around in it (slow and steady was the key).


Slow and Steady

I would like to point out this wasnt just because we could, it was part of a obstical scavenger hunt- thing. Though it wasn’t a big adventure packed day, it was out of the ordinary and a day worth remembering.


J Page, Tyler and Me

A few weeks later I had an opportunity to go to some camp on an island inside an island with minimal plumbing and no electricity. At this point there was like 3 weeks left in the summer and it was kind of a “what the heck” thing. It was without a doubt an interesting trip, what I haven’t mentioned yet was that this was with a youth drop in center knows as YFC (Youth for Christ) in one of our cities low income areas. Now they call it Youth for Christ, but in all honesty it should be called “Leaders for Christ” because most of the youths aren’t. They were an interesting bunch… then again so where the leaders and staff. Most of the kids had never had a camping experience in their lives, and they went full blown into this for 5 days, this was also 8 hours away from home, so no turning back. The drive up was a different trip, this was shared with Tyler and JPage, as well as a guy Dylan, the van was driven by one of the staff who had her 2 kids. This consisted of about 6 stops, a ferry ride, all of the luggage we could possibly fit in there as well as probably 100 terrible sing-alongs and a couple dozen vintage filters. All of this made for an enjoyable trip but we did eventually reach this little campsite on this island, it was a solid week of nature, conversation, stories, songs, small adventures and sights, as well as standard camping stuff like canoes, subpar meals, campfires and plenty of down time. The outcome of this was about a dozen small stories and an all in all fun time. I bring this up because it’s not something I would normally do, I had other plans for the week, some potential and others fairly standard stuff and some fairly cool things, but I dropped it all to try this, and it wasn’t fantastic, but it was very good. Those where two of the bigger events of my summer, not because they were huge, but because they are examples of doing for the sake of doing, unknowing, abnormal, and slightly uncomfortably at times, and though not perfect or extraordinary it was worth it.


We Finnished!

Now the summer had other things, it had a day like this, where I ran the Spartan Sprint with some friend (I was the kid with crutches among them), but we all finished in good time (they slowed down to stay with me) it was a challenge, the running was the biggest issue, but man it was fun. I also had many nights like this where we had nothing to do, and looking back at these pictures I think I may have just cycled through the same 6 V-necks in 5 different colours all summer (I had 2 black Vs).


Just doing nothing, outdoors, cause it’s summer

We had some fires, and some small trips, nothing like I hoped for, and I defiantly hope for more the next year. I met a few pretty girls that which is always a good thing and a few new acquaintances, and a smaller number of new or closer friends, and it ended with we buying my first guitar, I’m slowing learning how to play it well and love it. So though not fantastic, it had its moments of greatness and it was far more interesting than the year leading up to it.

That’s how my summer went down, Here is hoping for a better one this year.

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